Camo, Thermals, Depends…

[slathrop]

#7021

I grew up in the mountains of southern Oregon hunting and fishing. Many a cold morning I rode out to the middle of nowhere to hike into the trees, read trails and stalk down a white tail or two. When I moved to Hawaii for college in 1994 I sold my hunting rifle and shotgun as I couldn’t bring them with me when I moved into the dorms. There was no hunting on the island of Oahu and it wouldn’t be until 2007 when I moved to the Big Island of Hawaii that I discovered an entire cottage industry of hunters.

I quickly caught the bow hunting bug and, as a challenge to myself, I made my own 55lb. draw 60 inch recurve bow from a kit I purchased online. I’ve spent many early mornings stalking down mouflon sheep and feral goats around the base of Mauna Kea and surrounding lava fields. And as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I have a little problem that I imagine other hunters have.

You know the scenario: you’re in a tree stand or a hide or stalking up on your game and you feel it. You manage to ignore it at first, but the pressure builds and builds. That thermos of coffee and the water you sipped from your canteen or camel pack has settled and now it wants out. You try to focus through it, but to no avail. Your bladder has done its job for the morning and now it’s ready to let loose. So what do you do? Break cover and try to water the plants away from your hide to keep from scaring the game away? Risk permanent damage by continuing to hold it in? If you’re in a tree stand you could let loose and become a human waterfall. But chances are every deer, elk, moose or what have you will smell the distinct aroma of human yeller juice and head in the opposite direction. What to do, what to do?

Well, I hit on the perfect solution. A friend had told me about a page on the website for Target where you can request free samples while they’re available. I’ve gotten free samples of gourmet coffee, sports drinks and beauty products for my wife. Not that she needs them, of course. So imagine my amusement one day when I see free samples of sports style Depends adult undergarments. I chuckled at first, but then it dawned on me. If I had something like that on under my thermals and camo, I could spend the whole day hunting and never have to do the wee-wee wiggle while trying to “find myself” through layers of clothing to leak the old lizard. Seeing myself as the wisest of the wise, I requested the free sample and waited for my package to arrive.

Two weeks later, the sample arrived. There were two sizes included in the box; Small/Medium and Large/Extra Large. Thankfully, I still fit in the Small/Medium. That weekend, I planned my hunt and eagerly awaited my chance to try out my ingenius idea.

First, let me say that while the package promises that the undergarments will feel like regular underwear, they do not. They weren’t too thick, but they had a little more padding than I would have expected or liked. I pulled them on and then applied layer over layer of thermals and my camo. After loading up the truck with my bow, arrows and other equipment, I started the 45 minute drive to the Game Management area I hunt. I enjoyed my hot travel mug of coffee during the drive and smiled to myself about how smart I thought I was.

After parking, getting my gear together and locking the truck, I started my hike into the hot zone. I sipped from my hydration pack as I trudged along through the volcanic dust that covers the ground. After about 20 minutes I heard loud bleating from the East and the South among the trees along the road going into the area leading to a large meadow the size of two football fields. I found a nice hiding place off the main road about 20 yards from fresh tracks and scat I found on the ground.

After a while, a fat black-colored mouflon ewe came out of the trees and stopped about 15 yards directly in front of me where she started eating a breakfast of fresh flowers on the ground. Tempted to take the easy shot, I held back and waited to see if a nice monster-sized ram would join her. While the bleating continued up wind of me, the ewe remained solitary and eventually meandered into the trees across the road from me. It was then that I felt it. The first sensation that my body was done with the coffee and water and I had the opportunity to try out the Depends. I relaxed and waited for it to happen…and nothing. I couldn’t do it! All these years of not peeing my pants and I couldn’t go. Somehow I was mentally blocking the ability to wizz. Tried as I did to relax, it just wasn’t going to happen.

Disappointed but not defeated, I decided to continue hydrating and let nature take its course. I noticed a flock of mouflon sheep moving across the road about 50 yards away. I decided to stalk down on them and see if I could catch them in the open from the treeline and get myself a nice trophy.

I made my way across the road and had to crouch down in the brush to make myself as invisible as possible. As I crawled along with an arrow in my teeth and my bow in my left hand, my bladders decided it needed a break. Suddenly, I had to go. I had to go like I have never had to go before. As I spied the flock moving away from me, I tried my hardest to ignore the pressure down below and continue my stalk. But try as I did, it wasn’t enough. A Shaolin monk couldn’t have focused through this kind of discomfort. Defeat was upon me. I had to stop and let this happen. I knelt down and surrendered to my bodily functions. No resistance this time as my personal spring thaw began.

Now, at this point in my story I have to warn you that this might get a little graphic. I mean, it’s not like I went number two, but still a bit graphic.

The first thing I felt was warmth. I started to panic a little, thinking that it might not stay in the Depends. My panic built as I realized that it wasn’t stopping. It was like somebody turned on a faucet and the handle broke. The next thing I felt was the odd sensation of the undergarment swelling in my pants as it spread from the front to the back. I had to wonder if this is what each of my children felt when they used to wear diapers. And while the box claimed that the undergarment would keep me dry, it lied. It lied like a politician. Everything felt wet, warm and under pressure like I was wearing a soaked wool blanket as a pair of shorts.

By this time, the flock had moved on to the center of the meadow out of shot range and too far out in the open for me to sneak up on them. Especially with a soggy diaper limiting my movements. I tried to keep crouched down as I moved and realized that these Depends might be made for senior citizens who want to play a round of golf, but not for the average guy who wants to crawl through the brush like Hawkeye in The Last of the Mohicans.

Luckily, there is an old abandoned port-a-potty in these woods I hunt in. I managed to rip the grown up diaper off and throw it down the hole. Still feeling a bit damp in my nether regions, I pulled my thermals and camo up and made my way out of the woods. My experiment had failed and I hadn’t even gotten a shot off.

My experience made me appreciate what senior citizens must go through and I now dread old age even more than before. I made my wife promise that she would never make me wear those darn things when I get older. She simply rolled her eyes, shook her head and, I suspect, wondered how she could have ever married and procreated with such an idiot.

Bottom line, next time I’ll find a bush and take my chances.

[Stephen Graf]

#57574

Now you know how the astronauts felt after 3 days on the moon in their nasa version of depends… 😳

I’ll be heading to the big island around Xmas and New Years and I hope to get some hunting in. I hear this isn’t a great time to try to hunt. But the relatives are already planning the pig roast…

Any suggestions for finding a tasty goat, sheep, or pig?

[rwbowman]

#57583

I’d first like to apologize to you for the laughter you’ve provided me. Second it’s hard to read this without waking everyone in my house this early! I too have had the thought of what to do to break up the fluid cycle in the whitetail woods here, but now realize that it will be wise to stick to digging a small hole in the ground wherever I hunt. Thanks for sharing…. Really!

[David Petersen]

#57728

When sitting on stand, I’ve carried a “pee bottle” for many years (wide mouth, of course). I also keep it in my tent for those really cold or rainy nights. 😛

[gigglemonk]

#57885

Post of the year! I’ve used pee bottles back in my climbing days. If you’re hunting with a buddy make sure the pee bottle is clearly marked. Unfortunate experiences have occurred!

[William Warren]

#62771

x3 on the pee bottle.

I ’bout peed my pants laughing at your description of using a depends. Too funny!

Duncan

[Nate Bailey]

#63591

David, “wide mouth of course!” Thats rich!

[FUBAR]

#63773

LMAO, I’m not laughing at you, I’m laughing…. aw heck, I’m laughing at you:lol:

[David Petersen]

#63780

Fubar — I really like your quote at the bottom. Reminds me of something my insane hero Hunter Thompson like to say … and as a fellow nutcase, well, we all like company. 😀

[William Warren]

#63847

This thread made me think about my uncle, my Mom’s baby brother who is only a year older than myself. Stricken with MS and now wheelchair bound he must wear the depends all the time. But I never saw anyone in his predicament with a better attitude. Now he and I were more like brothers and we hunted all over together. If it ran, hopped, flew, or swam we were after it. So one morning we are hunting a beautiful cypress swamp next to a creek and had agreed to meet back at the truck at lunch. So I’m waiting for him to come out and I see him walking very carefully balancing something in his hand as he walked out of the woods. When he got closer I see that he has a very full zip lock bag sealed and filled with piss. “Forgot my pee bottle, but lucky I had this bag for the heart/liver in case I got one. Came in handy for a pee bag, he said with a lighthearted chuckle.” So as they say, Improvise, Improvise, it will get you by.

Duncan

[archer38]

#21825

Great story !! I have to say thank you for actually trying this experiment and relaying your findings to us !

[Etter1]

#21935

I’ve done extensive research on this subject. Deer do not have any reaction to human urine. I’ve read several studies before that say that it is no different chemically from any other carnivore/omnivore.

I’ve been peeing from the tree for years and have had many many deer just walk right on by it. Several even stop to sniff and lick it off the leaves.

BTW- great read:lol:

[garydavis]

#22136

Truly valuable wisdom shared here. A little hard to believe that ads for Depends aren’t included the hunting shows or that the Depends folks haven’t come up with an ozonator model in real tree. Great story!

Gary

[archer38]

#22160

Etter1 wrote: I’ve done extensive research on this subject. Deer do not have any reaction to human urine. I’ve read several studies before that say that it is no different chemically from any other carnivore/omnivore.

I’ve been peeing from the tree for years and have had many many deer just walk right on by it. Several even stop to sniff and lick it off the leaves.

BTW- great read:lol:

I know a few guys who have actually peed into scrapes. Don’t know what the results were but I still think I’ll carry my Gatorade bottle for the time being. And maybe stay away from asparagus in hunting season !

[Etter1]

#22758

archer38 wrote: [quote=Etter1]I’ve done extensive research on this subject. Deer do not have any reaction to human urine. I’ve read several studies before that say that it is no different chemically from any other carnivore/omnivore.

I’ve been peeing from the tree for years and have had many many deer just walk right on by it. Several even stop to sniff and lick it off the leaves.

BTW- great read:lol:

I know a few guys who have actually peed into scrapes. Don’t know what the results were but I still think I’ll carry my Gatorade bottle for the time being. And maybe stay away from asparagus in hunting season !

I refreshened a scrape last weekend. Three bucks came and worked it that evening

[Ireland]

#22993

Etter1 wrote: I’ve done extensive research on this subject. Deer do not have any reaction to human urine. I’ve read several studies before that say that it is no different chemically from any other carnivore/omnivore.

I’ve been peeing from the tree for years and have had many many deer just walk right on by it. Several even stop to sniff and lick it off the leaves.

BTW- great read:lol:

I carried a “pee” bottle for over 20 years. After actually peeing in scrapes and seeing deer come to the scrape, I no longer worry about urinatining in the deer woods. I have placed trail cams by scrapes that had human urine in them and the deer came right in to “freshen-up” the scrape. The “Deer Doctor” (ie James Kroll) found that in his tests, human urine was #3 on the list of “deer attractors”.

Ireland

[Leo Carrisalez]

#23075

I’m thinking I’ll just keep the wind to my face to avoid my prey from smelling me. Now as far as peeing in a scrape. I had a friend that had told me about doing this and so I tried it. After 4 or so hours of being on my knees behind some cover and right at sundown. He came in to his tree where he had rubbed and I could tell he didnt like the idea of me peeing by his tree. He didnt run, he just sniffed and sniffed trying to figure out who had been there. Long story short…………..I drew slowly and let her fly——————My arrow hit the only 1/2 branch within 40 sqr. feet between be and this buck.

[David Coulter]

#23172

Great story. Man, you’re braver than I am. Even if I would have tried it, I wouldn’t have posted it. Hat’s off.

I do carry an old Nalgene bottle for this purpose. I don’t recycle old bottles because I don’t want to take any chances of a leak in the pack. Yep, it’s clearly marked, too. dwc

[archer38]

#23346

You’ve got my wheels turning now !! I’m gonna have to set up a camera on a scrape now and experiment.

[David Coulter]

#23364

Are you going to try to catch someone in Depends at your scrape?

[Author]

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